Here I am at the prime of my life, and I am still trying to find my way or niche my path. I am a professed follower of Christ and love Him so much, but sometimes I find myself doubting what He says concerning me.

Can I be transparent? That’s the only way I know how to be. I do not doubt my relationship with Christ; that is solid. I just don’t understand what I am supposed to be doing right now. I do believe in prophecy and have received many prophetic words. I have even prayed on those words, yet I feel unfulfilled.

When I was 24ish, I prayed and asked God to give me a career. I was working jobs, but I wanted a career; He answered my prayer. I have been retired for a year now (since 2021), and I am very grateful for the long career He afforded me, thirty-one years, to be exact.

I thought after retirement, I would be able to operate in “kingdom work.” I did not specify the area I wanted to work “minister” in; I just wanted to help win souls and change lives. Well, I guess my not being specific landed me in the place I am currently, creating with no success.

Ask, Seek, Knock – Matthew 7:7 says, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. Well, that’s exactly what I have been doing. God has dropped some amazing content in my spirit, but I have no idea what to do with it. Should it be a book, a study, a course, or a devotional? I am at a loss.

Usually, when I don’t know what to do, I start doing what I think I should do, and that decision leads me down the wrong path every time. You would think I would’ve learned by now not to do that, but I haven’t. Taking things into my own hands never works. I also start the “undoing” process by taking things into my own hands.

I start backing out of things, shutting things down, and I am left standing with nothing. Or I run with an idea and try to implement it before it’s time, which sends me down a rabbit hole chasing things I am not supposed to be chasing. Another thing I do is shrink back or make myself smaller so as not to rock the boat. Self-sabotage is what it’s called.

Self-sabotage is when people do (or don’t do) things that block their success or prevent them from accomplishing their goals. Sounds very much like me. I don’t know how I got here, but I do know I need to climb out of this place and get to who I am supposed to be, and do what I am called to do.

I am still asking, seeking, knocking, and also listening.

Father Help

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